Greasy Businessman Donald Trump, Jr. Sent Bacon-Themed Pick-Up DMs to Model

Who would have thought that a guy named Donald Trump would be sleazy. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being sleazy in and of itself, but it’s not an admirable quality, and it’s the sort of thing that gets your wife to leave you. Especially if you’re asking models if their vaginas smell like bacon. What? Wait, back up.Surprised his marriage didn’t work out since he was sending me DMs a month after his wife gave birth. … [Read more...]

Justin Theroux Getting Buff for Big Return to Obscurity

Since Justin Theroux and his famous wife Jennifer Aniston split, he’s been seen around town with photographer Petra Collins, who is certainly better off behind the camera. Now ET is reporting Theroux is hitting the gym to get a “revenge bod”. “Justin has been hitting the gym hard since the split,” says the source. “He’s been working out for over an hour every day at Gotham Gym. Boxing is a big part of his … [Read more...]

‘American Idol’ Contestant Kissed Katy Perry, Didn’t Like It

A cute moment on Sunday’s American Idol turned into a moment for hand-wringing when judge Katy Perry gave incel loser Benjamin Glaze a pity-kiss after he Kenneth the Paged all over the stage and told the judges he’d never kissed a girl before.So I have notes. First of all, if you’re going to go on a signing competition show and tell everyone you’re a sad virgin who’s never had a girlfriend or even kissed a girl, at … [Read more...]

United Airlines Accidentally Sent a Dog to Japan, but at Least It Lived

What the hell is wrong with United Airlines? Yesterday I told you about how a flight attendant shoved a dog in the overhead compartment and killed it, and today I’ve got a story about how they sent a family’s dog to Japan instead of Missouri. Now the family dog is going to be walking around in a kimono talking about how much hotter Japanese dogs are all day. The dog, named Irgy, being sent to Japan wasn’t even the disturbing … [Read more...]

Cate Blanchett and Sandra Bullock Have Been Getting Penis Facials at Upscale New York Atelier

According to legend, Elizabeth Báthory was a Hungarian noble who murdered hundreds of girls and young women in order to bathe in their blood to maintain her own youth. I just wanted you to know there are worse ways to keep your skin tight when I told you Sandra Bullock took Cate Blanchett to get a facial made of Korean baby foreskins. I wish I was kidding or even exaggerating, but I’m not. Here’s the details, via Page Six. “Sandy … [Read more...]

Matt Damon Moving to Australia to Escape Rednecks, Racists, and Incompetent Right-Wing Government

Matt Damon is unhappy with Donald Trump’s presidency and Page Six reports that the star is apparently moving to Australia to get away from it. I don’t think Matt Damon has done his homework because Australia elected Tony Abbott, a less competent version of George W. Bush, to be prime minister in 2013, until his own party threw him out and made Malcolm Turnbull prime minister. As prime minister he’s seen his deputy prime minister … [Read more...]

Morgan Roof Proves Her Brother Dylann Roof Isn’t the Only Piece of Shit in the Family

Remember Dylann Roof, the little racist twink who shot up a black church and killed nine people to try and start a race war? Well, his sister Morgan is unsurprisingly terrible as well. She didn’t kill anyone, so she’s still not the star of her family, but she did bring a knife to school, which isn’t ideal. Morgan Roof, 18, was charged with simple possession of marijuana and two counts of carrying weapons on school grounds, … [Read more...]

Drake Blows Up Twitch Streaming ‘Fortnite’

If you’re not familiar with Twitch, it’s a video game focused streaming website that lets users live stream gameplay and video game-related programming, and it’s really been challenging YouTube in the video game content sector as YouTube has become increasingly hostile to content creators because Logan Paul is a douche. And last night Twitch had its biggest night ever when the kid who got shot on Degrassi hopped on stream to … [Read more...]

Selena Gomez Appears to Be on Team Aniston

Man, poor Jennifer Aniston. It’s like dating her is the last thing guys do before they meet the love of their lives. Her latest ex, Justin Theroux, has been dating Petra Collins pretty much since before he and Aniston got divorced. Man, that one has to hurt, when your man leaves you for a younger woman, you at least expect her to be better looking. But it seems like Theroux and Collins’ relationship has caused more than one break-up … [Read more...]

United Airlines Killed Yet Another Pet

About a year ago, United Airlines beat the shit out of a doctor and dragged him off of a plane because they had overbooked the flight and he refused to give up his seat. He was being reasonable. He had bought a seat for that flight and United had taken his money. He shouldn’t be beaten and dragged off an airplane because United is trying to maximize profits. After that incident, United set about trying to reform its image. And they … [Read more...]

‘Westworld’ Creators Vow to Fuck With Fans on the Internet

If there’s one thing I could live without entirely, it’s fan theories about TV shows on the internet. Since most fans have no background in writing, they usually come up with insane plot twists reolving around minutia that no one would notice, usually accompanied by a back-pat for being the only person clever enough to notice the “hidden messages” left by the creators who didn’t actually leave them. One of my … [Read more...]

Stephen Hawking Dead at Age 76

Stephen Hawking, perhaps the world’s most famous astrophysicist, has died at the age of 76. I’m pretty sure that there are zero people in the world who read that news and thought “Oh no, what happened to him?” It sure as hell wasn’t a rock climbing accident. The man was in his 70’s and he had Lou Gehrig’s disease. I’m sure you’re probably familiar with Hawking’s accomplishments, such as … [Read more...]

Teacher Accidentally Shoots Student in Gun Safety Class

Sarah Winchester was so afraid of the ghosts killed by the guns her husband’s company manufactured that the house she lived in was in a state of constant construction with doors leading nowhere and new additions being constantly added so that the spirits couldn’t find her to take their vengeance. To give you an idea of what the Winchester Mystery House is like, it opened to the public in 1923, shortly after Sarah Winchester’s … [Read more...]