Nation in Shock as Malia Obama Acts Like Normal College Student at Harvard-Yale Game

Are you ready for a new chapter in the book of Malia Obama, normal college student? I mean, as normal as you can be when you’re the millionaire daughter of the most popular living former President of the United States attending Harvard as an undergrad. And the press is still stalking her. I’m not entirely sure why we actually care about Malia Obama. Maybe because the last Democratic president’s daughter is an idiot and we’re desperate for a … [Read more...]

Weather Channel Forecast Didn’t Predict a 100% Chance of Bus During Coverage of Georgia Dome Implosion

Imagine you’re a cameraman for The Weather Channel. You spend most of your days filming hazardous conditions, which means that you spend your days standing around during hurricanes trying to hold a 50-pound camera steady while houses are flying past you. Today is different, though. Today you’re filming a nice, safe implosion in sunny downtown Atlanta. You set up across the street from the Georgia Dome to get what you think is a perfect shot. The … [Read more...]

A 12-Year-Old Bryan Cranston Had a Run-In With Charles Manson

Now that Charles Manson has died, it seems no one has anything good to say about him. I mean, what did he really do? Kill Sharon Tate? Natalie Wood was a much better actress than Sharon Tate and everyone still loves Christopher Walken. Bryan Cranston had a much more interesting story about Manson than most, however, as he had a run-in with Manson as a child.Hearing Charles Manson is dead, I shuddered. I was within his grasp just one year before … [Read more...]

Harvey Weinstein Had A Hitlist Of Women he Assaulted

If you’re wondering how Harvey Weinstein kept track of all the women he was harassing, fondling, raping and otherwise abused so he knew where to send his army of spies, it turns out he made a list. A list with 91 names on it. He even highlighted the high-priority victims in red. So who is on this list? Well, the Observer, who acquired the list, redacted all the names we didn’t know already and it’s pretty damning for Weinstein. He’s basically … [Read more...]

Oklahoma Schoolteacher Created a Lovely Candlelight Tableau for Student She was Molesting

You know, one thing about female sexual predators is that they make things nice and romantic for the people they’re taking advantage of. Take, for example, Hunter Day, an Oklahoma schoolteacher who lit candles, turned down the lights and got in a sexy pose when she was expecting her 16 year old student to come and have sex with her. Of course, it was actually the police who showed up at her door, which just made all her hard work … [Read more...]

Macklemore Looks at Naked Justin Bieber Painting During Sex

You know, this article has a special meaning for me, because most of the time I’m only writing about one horrible, self-absorbed douchebag celebrity. This story has a free bonus douche at no additional cost to you. As you may know, if you’re big into the sport of douche-watching, Macklemore has a painting of Justin Bieber naked, balancing a pancake on his cock, with maple syrup running down his chest. What you didn’t know is that Macklemore looks … [Read more...]

Ron Jeremy Accused Of Sexual Assault and Generally Being Ron Jeremy

Ron Jeremy is sort of an odd pick for the most famous porn star of all time. He started out by appearing nude in Playgirl, when he was young and okay looking, but had a huge cock. He continued to work in porn until he was old and fat and his mustache was decades out of style, and for some reason people kept buying stuff he was in. Jeremy has been dogged by allegations of sexual assault for a while, which is pretty easy to believe if you look at … [Read more...]

Navy Jet Draws Giant Sky Dong Over Washington State

US fighter jets took a break from killing thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians today to draw a giant penis in the sky over Okanogan County, Washington with their exhaust (or as Alex Jones calls it, chem trails). Guess which one of those two things had people apoplectic with rage. Yes, KREM 2 News has the scoop on the giant sky cock some bored pilot drew on a training exercise. It turns out the Navy will not stand for these sort of hijinks. In a … [Read more...]

James Franco and FOX Are Developing an X-Men Spin-Off Featuring Multiple Man

Jamie Madrox is the latest X-Men character to get his own film, and he’ll be played by none other than James Franco, who is actually perfect for the surprisingly deep comic relief character. Allan Heinberg will be writing the script and Simon Kinberg is producing alongside Franco’s production company Ramona Films, Deadline reports. If you’re not familiar with Jamie Madrox, he was the breakout character in Peter David’s acclaimed X-Factor run in … [Read more...]

Good News, Unattractive Men, Blake Shelton is the Sexiest Man Alive

Every year, People magazine declares one lucky celebrity to be The Sexiest Man Alive. Much like the designated survivor in the presidential line of succession, it is this man’s duty to repopulate the earth in the event of a catastrophe, as well as having a say in all government decisions related to sexiness. This year that grave responsibility falls to Blake Shelton, a shlubby country singer. To say that people disagreed with this highest of … [Read more...]

Steve Mnuchin And Wife Audition For ‘Octopussy’ Remake

I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, but Steve Mnuchin’s wife Louise Linton is kind of a piece of shit. You may remember when over the summer she made an Instagram post bragging about all the expensive designer clothes she was wearing and then attacked a woman who pointed out she was jetting around on the taxpayer’s dime by basically saying she deserves it because she’s rich. Well, her and her husband, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin, … [Read more...]

Okay-Looking Teen Gets $3 Million Payday For Staying a Virgin Until Age 19

Some days, I’m sad that we don’t have a guillotine in every town square. Today is one of those days, because I just found out that some businessman in Abu Dhabi has reportedly paid a 19 year old lingerie model $3 million American for her virginity. When you have $3 million for one night with a hooker, you have too much money, full stop. I mean, good for her, I’m sure anyone selling their virginity to a creepy businessman needs the money more than … [Read more...]

North Korea Sentences President Donald Trump to Death

Kim Jong-Un, welcome to the #Resistance. As you may know, US President Donald Trump was recently on a diplomatic tour of Asia. While he was in Vietnam, presumably taking a shit in the middle of the night, he made this tweet.When will all the haters and fools out there realize that having a good relationship with Russia is a good thing, not a bad thing. There always playing politics – bad for our country. I want to solve North Korea, … [Read more...]