This Year’s Olympics Has the Silliest Scandals Ever

Man, the Olympic Winter Games have had everything except for hockey; robots, corporate sponsorship, female nudity and an army of beautiful cheerleaders. You can add drama and intrigue to the list as a North Korean speed skater appears to have tried to trip a Japanese skater.North Korean speed skater falls, tries to TRIP Japanese opponent!? Isn't that a quick way to lose a finger or three? — Michael King … [Read more...]

Jessica Chastain to Star in ‘It 2: It-lecrtic Boogaloo’

Variety is reporting today that Jessica Chastain is in negotiations for a leading role in New Line Cinema’s It: Chapter Two.  Sources stress that negotiations are early and that the script is still being worked on, but both sides have officially begun discussing her coming on to the project. Bill Skarsgard is also expected to return as Pennywise. The sequel will bow on Sept. 6, 2019, with production expected to start this summer. Chastain … [Read more...]

Steven Seagal Has His Own Cryptocurrency, In Case You Needed More Proof Bitcoin Is a Bad Idea

Cryptocurrency, fake digital play money that causes gigantic networks of computers to suck up all the electricity in the grid and hasten global warming, is having a bit of a moment. After Bitcoin hit a high of almost $20,000 real American dollars per 1 pretend internet coin, it plummeted to $7,000, still a lot of money for nothing, and is now in the middle of a dead cat bounce that has seen it go back up to $11,000. Also, I still can’t buy … [Read more...]

George R.R. Martin Has Further Delayed Next ‘Game of Thrones’ Book, Worst News Fans Have Had Since Their Mom Couldn’t Take Them to Comic-Con

George R.R. Martin is never going to finish A Song of Ice and Fire, the series of books that Game of Thrones is based on. The first book in the series, A Game of Thrones, was published in 1996 and was supposed to be the first book of a trilogy. Twenty-two years later, fans are still waiting for the sixth book in the trilogy, and that isn’t even the last one. At 69 years old (nice) and something like 800 pounds, there’s pretty much no … [Read more...]

The Pyeongchang Olympics Are Turning X-Rated

I haven’t been watching the Winter Olympics because there are no NHL players meaning there’s really no hockey, but the joke’s on me because apparently these games are winning a gold medal for naked ladies. Not one but two ice dancers have popped out of their costumes in Pyeongchang, and the event isn’t over yet. I’m guessing this is the curse of the cockmonsters living outside Olympic Village. The first … [Read more...]

Bravo Makes Stars Promise Not to Sue If They Get STDs From Slutting Around

Remember when Bravo used to have operas and jazz music and stage productions of Shakespeare? Well, now the cable channel launched as a service for high-brow entertainment and the arts has to have its reality TV stars sign a waiver in case they get herpes from all the fucking they do while recording their shows. Yeah, that’s how far the bar has been lowered, we’ve gone from The Marriage of Figaro to The Real Housewives of Beverly … [Read more...]

Jennifer Lawrence Is Going to Fix Democracy

Fans of democracy, rest easy, Jennifer Lawrence is here to save it! We can all go home and relax, J-Law has this. The actress told Entertainment Tonight she was going to take a year off of acting in order to fix democracy, so I guess she’s got this, we can go home, democracy is saved. “I’m going to take the next year off,” the 27-year-old actress revealed. “I’m going to be working with this organization as a … [Read more...]

Sony Passing on Buying Marvel Is the Reason We Got ‘The Avengers’

About a week ago, stories emerged that Sony was looking to sell its entertainment division in the wake of Kaz Hirai stepping down as CEO, which could include selling Spider-Man‘s film rights back to Marvel. But with Black Panther headed to another big windfall at the box office for Marvel, the Hollywood press is abuzz at the news that Sony turned down an offer to buy all of Marvel’s film rights in 1998 for $25 million and passed, … [Read more...]

Geniuses at Apple Are Routinely Walking Into Glass Doors

If your Apple Watch or Macintosh laptop has a problem, you probably know to take it to the Apple Store, where their tech support people, known as “Apple Geniuses,” will troubleshoot and service it for you. Calling your employees geniuses was never the best idea, but it’s become hilariously ironic with the news that employees at Apple’s futuristic new headquarters keep walking into the glass walls and doors Apple … [Read more...]

Florida Mayor Proposes Trading Speed Bump for a Little Bump and Grind

Oh Florida, why do crazy things always happen inside of you? It’s almost as if people who choose to live in an alligator-infested swamp have bad judgement. Today’s story of intrigue, politics and sexual harassment from The Sunshine State comes to you in the form of perhaps the lowest-stakes political quid pro quo in history. Palm Beach Post is reporting that a Lantana resident alleges the mayor offered to put speed bumps in her … [Read more...]

Donald Trump Got His DNA All Over Stormy Daniels and She Kept the Dress

Did everyone have a good Valentine’s Day yesterday? Pitched a little woo, made a little love, temporarily put the thought of Donald Trump’s wrinkly ass thrusting up and down on Stormy Daniels for about three minutes out of your mind? Well, too bad, the sex-reminder has logged on to make sure you don’t get the image of Trump’s orange balls slapping against Stormy Daniel’s disinterested ass while watching Shark … [Read more...]

Oprah Winfrey Has Saved Us All Again By Not Running for President

In a display of excellent judgement on her part, Oprah Winfrey told 60 Minutes she isn’t going to run for president. I’m honestly relieved, because when you’re mega-rich, have a solid fan base and people start telling you that you could be president, it’s the sort of thing that can get inside your head, even if you’d be completely unqualified for the position and end up making North Korea look good by … [Read more...]

Lara Flynn Boyle Has Just Given Up

I usually revel in the downfall of celebrities, but this story feels a little sad to me. Lara Flynn Boyle was Donna on Twin Peaks, one of the greatest TV shows of all-time, and one that would perhaps not have become the classic it has without Boyle’s performance. She also had a prominent role on The Practice, which spawned the much more memorable spin-off Boston Legal. And now she’s drinking scotch straight out of the bottle in the … [Read more...]