This Year’s Olympics Has the Silliest Scandals Ever

Man, the Olympic Winter Games have had everything except for hockey; robots, corporate sponsorship, female nudity and an army of beautiful cheerleaders. You can add drama and intrigue to the list as a North Korean speed skater appears to have tried to trip a Japanese skater.

That seems like a really dumb thing to do because, you know, the guy is wearing skates. Really sharp skates. Is Kim Jong Un really going to be so mad that you tripped at the Olympics that it’s worth losing a hand for? Okay, considering North Korea killed an American citizen for allegedly taking down a poster, it probably is.

But North Korean speed skaters aren’t the only ones under fire, as the Korean women’s speed skating team is involved in a bullying scandal. After skater Seon-Yeong Noh fell four seconds behind her teammates in the team pursuit event, dropping them out of contention for a medal, skaters Kim Bo-Reom and Park Ji-Woo turned their backs on her as she broke down in tears and appeared to blame Noh for the loss in post-event interviews.

“We were doing quite well,” Kim said, after the race. “But at the end … we have a big gap at the back. She couldn’t keep up.”

The people of South Korea have petitioned their president, Moon Jae-In, to remove the two mean girls from the Olympic team. South Korea has an online petition site much like the one started by President Barack Obama, and petitions with over 200,000 signatures will receive a response. The petition about the speed skating team has over 400,000 signatures.

Of course, the most embarrassing scandal has to go to Alexander Krushelnitsky, one half of the bronze medal mixed doubles curling team. Krushelnitsky’s blood tested positive for Meldonium, the same substance Maria Sharipova received a 15-month suspension from tennis for. But the embarrassing part is that, according to RT, the Russian Curling Federation’s chief, Dmitry Svishchev, implied the reason Krushelnitsky used performance-enhancing drugs to compete in the games’ least athletic sport is he was jealous of the attention his hot wife and teammate was getting.

“At the Games, [Anastasia] became famous the world over, new admirers for her popped up in a lot of countries – and now this doping scandal. I don’t think it’s a coincidence,” Svishchev said in an interview with Russian daily Sovetsky Sport.

I can see why she’s turning heads on the… whatever they call the surface you curl on. Is it a rink? Down on the old curling rink… that sounds right, I’m going with it. I can see why she’s turning heads down on the old curling rink. I want to end this on a curling-related sex pun, but it’s proved more difficult than I had imagined. “I’d let her broom the ice in front of my giant stone puck” is the best I could come up with. I need some joke-enhancing drugs, which, if you’re wondering, are weed and booze.

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